Bill Gates Goes to Heaven

Here's a tale we originally posted on LEM back in 1997 and somehow lost as we moved from server to server. It's a personal favorite.

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until one of the staffers finally approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow letters.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel, and I'll be your induction coordinator."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel. Now give me your name, last name first."

"Gates, Bill."

Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise.

"It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Heaven is decades behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Gabriel. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill.

Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.

"Well then, do the math. When Saint Peter started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are six billion people on earth. With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. Peter had to franchise the operation. Now he's the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual induction."

Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more and continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting around and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight."

Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.

"Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility ever - a half million computers connected by a multisegment fiber optic network, all running into a backend server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This really is Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.

The center was dominated by the computers - a half million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, a half million Macintoshes, each running FileMaker Pro and AppleWorks.

Not a PC in sight!

Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

"What about PCs?" he exclaimed. "What about Windows? What about Excel? What about Word?"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, you'll have to go to Hell."

<back to the original article>

Recent Lite Sides

• You Might Be a Computer Geek If..., 06.17. 20 signs that you just might possibly be a computer geek.
• What if Apple thought like a PC company?, 11.01. Apple has innovated and blazed its own trail. But what if it had followed the path taken by the PC copycats?
• How Microsoft can turn Vista lemons into lemonade, 10.22. How Microsoft could profit by no longer allowing manufacturers to sell new PCs with Windows XP installed.
• iPods that never passed beta or focus groups, 09.13. "What most Apple fans don't realize is that there were a few iPod variants that never made it out of beta testing and the focus group stage."
• More in the The Lite Side index.

Links for the Day

• Mac of the Day: 17" MacBook Pro Core Duo, Apr. 2006 - The top-end MacBook Pro includes a 1680 x 1050, 2.16 GHz Core Duo CPU, and supports Apple 30" Cinema Display.
• Group of the Day: G4 List is for those using Power Mac G4s or G4 upgrades.
  
• Support Low End Mac

Recent Content on Low End Mac

• Pismo WiFi Networking Issue Finally Solved?, Charles W. Moore, Miscellaneous Ramblings, 11.24. It turns out the problems wasn't the Pismo, the Buffalo WiFi card, or Mac OS X 10.4. It was the Wireless G router - Linksys to the rescue!
• Mini VGA to S-video Adapter a No Go for eMacs, Dan Bashur, Apple, Tech, and Gaming, 11.24. You might think that Apple's Mini VGA S-video adapter is a cheap way to connect your eMac or G4 iMac to your TV. You would be wrong.
• Google Calendar with iPhone or iTouch Is Great for Scheduling, John Hatchett, Recycled Computing, 11.24. Web-based Google Calendar allows access and updates from any computing platform, including Mac, Windows, Linux, and iPhone OS.
• Why Spaces is My Favorite Leopard (and Snow Leopard) Feature, Charles W. Moore, Miscellaneous Ramblings, 11.23. Spaces, a feature introduced with OS X 10.5, is like having several monitors on your Mac without the cost and space of using multiple displays.
• i5 iMac Benchmarked, Mac mini 'Shouldn't Be Overlooked', Twitter Client for Classic Mac OS, and More, Mac News Review, 11.20. Also why Apple leaves the low end to others, 10.6.2 fixes video playback problem in 27" iMac, 3D Leopard and Snow Leopard performance, and more.
• Apple's Tablet an End Run Beyond Netbooks, Frank Fox, Stop the Noiz, 11.20. Whatever Apple has planned will leverage existing technologies while going beyond what its competitors can offer.
• Apple #4 in Reliability, Apple Tablet a Gadget for All?, HP's i7 Notebook Outdoes Mac Rivals, and More, The 'Book Review, 11.20. Also Flash 10.1 improves video on Hackintosh netbooks, thin-and-light notebooks impress, Windows XP finally on the way out, and more.
• NASA Chemical Sensor for iPhone, Smartphone Death Match, iPhone Earrings, and More, Ian R Campbell, 11.20. Also mobile phone dangers, new apps, GPS solution for iPod touch, new iPod and iPhone cases, and more.
• More links in our archive.

Recent Deals

• Best iPod nano Deals, 11.25. Refurb 8 GB 4G nano, $99; new, $126; refurb 16 GB, $129; new, $150; new 5G/8 GB, $134.60; 16 GB, $161.12. Shipping included.
• Best Classic Mac OS Deals, 11.25. System 6.0.8 floppies, $10; 7.1, $12; 7.5, $20; 7.6 $13; 8.1, $11; 8.5, $20; 8.6, $90; 9.0, $20; 9.2.2, $30.
• Best 15" PowerBook G4 Deals, 11.25. Used 1 GHz Combo, $400; 1.5 GHz SuperDrive, $449; 1.67 GHz hi-res, $600.
• Best G4 iMac Deals, 11.24. Used 15" 700 MHz CD-RW, $150; 800 MHz Combo, $229; 1 GHz, $289; 17" 1.25 GHz, $200; 20" 1.25 GHz, $509.
• Best MacBook Air Deals, 11.24. Used from $899; refurb from $1,099; new 1.6 GHz/120 HD, $1,150 after rebate; 1.8/64 SSD, $1,150 a/r; 1.86/128 SSD, $1,350 a/r; 2.13/128 SSD, $1,694 a/r.
• Best PowerBook G3 Deals, 11.24. Used 233 MHz WallStreet, $75; 266 MHz, $160; 400 MHz Lombard, $199; 400 MHz Pismo, $289; 500 MHz, $350.
• Best 12" PowerBook G4 Deals, 11.23. Used 867 MHz SuperDrive, $348; 1 GHz Combo, $379; SD, $519; 1.33 GHz, $529; 1.5 GHz Combo, $549; SuperDrive, $609.
• Best Mac Pro Deals, 11.23. Used 2.66 GHz 4-core, $1,300; 3.0 4-core. $1,919; refurb 2.66 4-core Nehalem, $2,149; 2.93, $2,549; 2.93 8-core, $4,999; new 2.26 8-core, $2,290.
• Best Time Capsule and AirPort Deals, 11.23. Used 802.11g AirPort Extreme, $49; 500 GB Time Capsule, $150; new, $190; 1 TB dual-band, $280; 2 TB, $469; 802.11n AirPort Extreme, $170.
• More deals in our archive.

---

go to The Lite Side index

---

Low End Mac Reader Specials

TypeStyler For Mac OS X is Now Shipping! Download The Free Fully Functional 60 Day Tryout at www.typestyler.com

Don't install Parallels to play poker online! Poker Mac will show you how to download and install a native Mac poker application such as Full Tilt Poker Mac.

Laptop Hardware Provided by TechRestore - Overnight Mac & iPod Repairs.

Compare products like desktop computers, apple laptops, apple macs, and LCD Monitors side by side! All the information and reviews to make the best purchasing decision for new mobile phones, sat nav systems, or MP3 players. The Ciao online shopping community makes searching products easy for you.

Entire Low End Mac site copyright ©1997-2008 by Cobweb Publishing, Inc., unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Advice presented in good faith, but what works for one may not work for all. Please report errors to the webmaster.
  LINKS: We allow and encourage links to any public page as long as the linked page does not appear within a frame that prevents bookmarking it.
  Access our RSS news feed at http://lowendmac.com/feed.xml.
  Email may be published at our discretion; email addresses will not be published without permission. If you prefer your message not be published, mark it "not for publication." Letters may be edited for length, context, and to match house style.
  PRIVACY: We don't collect personal information unless you explicitly provide it. For more details, see our Terms of Use.
  Low End Mac is an independent publication and has not been authorized, sponsored, or otherwise approved by Apple Computer. Apple, the Apple logo, Macintosh, iBook, iMac, eMac, iPod, and PowerBook are registered trademarks of Apple Computer, Inc. Additional company and product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks and are hereby acknowledged.